Know My Name

“I believe we are all multidimensional beings, and in court, it felt harmful being flattened, characterized, mislabeled, and vilified, so I will not do the same to them.” 

Miller states her intention not to villainize those who characterized, mislabeled, or vilified her in this memoir. She understands what this feels like as a survivor and chooses to model what she wishes she had experienced. Miller understands the damage such dehumanization causes and seeks to comment on this damage through her own story.

“I, to this day, believe none of what I did that evening is important, a handful of disposable memories. But these events will be relentlessly raked over, again and again and again. What I did, what I said, will be sliced, measured, calculated, presented to the public for evaluation.” 

Despite her belief that the details of the evening prior to her assault do not matter, Miller provides them for the reader. She takes ownership of these details and presents them in a simple and direct method. She also takes this opportunity to comment on the relentless nature of these investigations and examinations and the negative effect they have on survivors.

“Perhaps it is not the particulars of the assault itself that we have in common, but the moment after; the first time you are left alone. Something slipping out of you. Where did I go. What was taken. It is terror swallowed inside silence. An unclipping from the world where up was up and down was down. This moment is not pain, not hysteria, not crying. It is your insides turning to cold stones. It is utter confusion paired with knowing. Gone is the luxury of growing up slowly. So begins the brutal awakening.” 

Miller describes the moment of realization in the hospital room when she begins to understand that she has been violated. She connects this experience to the experience of most survivors. Referring to this moment as a brutal awakening, Miller hints at the grief and loss that accompany this moment.