Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of mental illness, substance use, addiction, and child abuse.

In Chapter 3, Gibson examines the dynamics of relationships between emotionally immature parents and their children. The chapter begins by acknowledging that early attachment bonds with primary caregivers are extremely powerful, which explains why connections with emotionally immature parents can be simultaneously disappointing yet difficult to relinquish.

Gibson presents a self-assessment exercise for readers to identify childhood difficulties associated with emotionally immature parents. This assessment includes statements related to feeling unheard, living with parents whose moods dominated the household, experiencing insensitivity to one’s feelings, and attempting to understand parents who made little effort to understand their children.

The author explains that communication with emotionally immature parents typically lacks reciprocity. These parents require exclusive attention and employ various tactics to redirect focus to themselves, including interrupting, making provocative statements, or withdrawing when not the center of attention. These parents avoid what Gibson, citing psychiatrist Harriet Fraad, terms “emotional labor”—the effort required to understand and fulfill others’ emotional needs. While emotionally mature individuals engage in this work automatically, immature parents resist it, often rationalizing their insensitivity as authenticity or directness. Gibson illustrates this pattern through the case of Brenda, whose elderly mother Mildred demonstrated persistent self-centeredness, never inquiring about Brenda’s life while expecting constant attention.