Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of mental illness. 

Chapter 9 explores the experience of breaking free from the restrictive roles imposed by emotionally immature parents. Gibson examines how individuals can reclaim their authentic selves after years of suppressing their true nature to accommodate their parents’ emotional limitations.

Gibson begins by identifying family patterns that constrain personal development. In families with emotionally immature parents, individuality is often perceived as threatening. These parents fear that independent thinking might lead to criticism or abandonment. Consequently, they prefer viewing family members as predictable characters rather than distinct individuals with unique needs and perspectives.

The chapter describes how emotionally immature parents instruct their children on appropriate feelings and thoughts, not just behaviors. Children who internalize these lessons may come to view their unique qualities as shameful or illegitimate. Gibson notes that such children learn to suppress enthusiasm, spontaneity, grief, uninhibited affection, honest expression, and appropriate anger. Instead, they are taught to value obedience, self-doubt, guilt, people-pleasing, and rigid gender roles.

Gibson introduces the concept of “parent-voice internalization,” a process through which children absorb parental criticisms that become an internal commentary. This voice often uses phrases like “you should” or “you have to” and makes negative judgments about personal worth.